A Very Lemony Center Stage Marauder's Musical
by SophieRauchmeyer
Summary: No lemon, I promise. Just the Marauders, doing their thing all around Hogwarts! Rating may or may not go up.
1. Chapter 1

Part One: The Big Red Nose (And Bogeys) Fiasco

James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew all lounged in the Gryffindor common room, bored as hell. For once there was nothing to do, and for once they were completely out of ideas for practical jokes. As for what they were doing while lounging around, James was eyeing a pilfered photo of Lily, his paramour. Remus was trying to see whether he could bite a hole in the couch. Sirius was kicking Peter (always with the physical violence!), and Peter was trying to dodge Sirius's huge foot. After three hours of this idleness, which, for their Head of House, was a godsend, Sirius got an idea. A very, very bad idea.

"Let's go raid Filch's office," he hissed to the others. Remus stopped biting the couch for a moment and raised an eyebrow. Peter, glad of the break from being pounded, jumped about half a mile in the air and shook his head fiercely (the very idea of being anywhere where Argus Filch had stepped scared the bejeezus out of him), and James dropped Lily's photo and did a double take.

"BRILLIANT!" he shouted.

"I don't know you," said Remus. He got up and moved couches. "You two are out of your minds. You know what he does to you when he discovers you rummaging through his things? He takes you down to the dungeons and flogs you until you can't sit down! And you're saying you want to try and breach Filch security?" Peter scooted away from Sirius and James, obviously agreeing with Remus.

"Don't be such an utter wanker, Moony," James said. "Please come with us? Please?"

"NO," Remus thundered.

"Fine, then, you've left us no choice," said James, making eye contact with Sirius for a minute. The two of them jumped up, grabbed Remus and began tickling him.

As students in Gryffindor began coming down from their dormitories to see what all the laughing and shouting was about, Peter hid in a corner and trembled. They were all quite amused at the sight of Remus being tickled to death by James and Sirius. His face was turning bright red, and he was shouting, "No," in between effervescent giggles.

"Please?"

"NO!"

"Please?"

"NO!"

"Pretty please with a chocolate frog thrown in for good measure?"

"NO NO NO NO NO!"

"Cootchie cootchie coo!"

"YOU BASTARDS! GEROFFME! YOU FLAMING BASTARDS!"

"We promise we'll stop if you promise you'll go with us!"

"AARGH! GEROFFME! NO! YOU BLOODY LITTLE CHEEKY MONKEYS! I SWEAR I WILL GET MY OWN BACK! GEROFF!"

Suddenly, Lily pushed through the crowd of girls cloistered at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the dormitories and began whacking James with a closet broom.

"You get off him, you flaming twits, you're going to hurt him!"

"Just what is it you want him to do?" one of the other students asked.

"Noneya," Sirius snapped.

"Something illegal, no doubt," Lily said sarcastically. "You are too much."

"What, Lily, is this too much for you?" said James, rudely indicating an area of his body that should never be mentioned to a roomful of girls. Lily kicked him.

"It's obvious from the look on your face that it's definitely too much for you," Lily said coolly. "You'd better watch your back, Sirius."

"Eek," Sirius squeaked, turning pink.

Remus, Peter and James roared with laughter. There was something strange about physical violence that really got them going, and once they started, you couldn't stop them.

"You know," said Sirius after regaining composure. "I might sue her for rape."


	2. Chapter 2

"I can't believe you bastards have talked me into this," grumbled Remus.

"Shut it, Moony…" Sirius shoved him.

"Is it full moon?" Peter sounded anxious.

"No, it is not full moon, and besides, if Moony's furry little problem decides to make an appearance, we know what to do, right?" James pretended to run.

"Wormtail! Prongs!" Sirius hissed. "Do you not understand what shut your bloody yap means? Filch could be around the bloody corner!"

"By the way, Moony, I meant to ask you," said James. "Why do you always insist on calling us cheeky monkeys when we're trying to talk you into something?"

"Shut your mouth or I'll shut it for you," Remus growled.

Filch's office was coming into sight. It was marked by a black, musty door furnished with a medieval-looking torch and a large brass knocker. Sirius tested it with a little push. To his surprise, it opened a crack without too much trouble. Then he carefully poked his head around it. Also to his surprise, there was no one inside. The office was a one-room affair with morose decorations, torches, and a large, stiff-backed chair that was often called "Filch's Throne." Sirius signaled the all-clear and the four of them crawled in silence towards the desk.

Sirius got up onto his knees and opened the top drawer of the desk as quietly as possible. Among the various confiscated items he found some very curious Muggle artifacts: Fake red clown noses. There was also a long piece of very yellowed parchment containing a list of incredibly clever prank hexes.

"Popricumi… Rooticareum… Insanus Wardus… Arboreatum… Snottus Spewus… These are all bloody brilliant! I'd like to try that Snottus Spewus one," James commented, scanning the list. "I wonder what it does, exactly?"

"It prolly makes someone spew snot or something to that effect," Sirius said.

"Yes, and you're supposed to be the smart one, Prongs," Remus said coolly.

"Shut it, Moony," James said casually. "Get those red plushy things, Padfoot."

Sirius plucked the fake red clown noses, the list of prank hexes, and various other items ripe for the pinching. After hiding these items in his cloak, Sirius made a quick search of the rest of the drawers in the desk, pinching whatever else seemed interesting to him, and then the foursome sneaked out of the office again.


End file.
